I've always lived faith differently than most people. When you spend your life with a good part of the world inaccessible you have no other choice. You do what you do. God finds you in other places. Something I was reminded of recently but I didn't really think there was more to it than that.
Until the body started freaking out and I landed back in bed while it worked itself out. And in that moment, I realized the goal I had been working toward was going to be an impossible goal. At least the way the church typically accepted that role.
And what the hell do I do with that?
In a church where anything that isn't tradition, tends to sink.
The church hates change. Yet change is the only constant thing in life. This is just one more sign of things coming to an end for me in this current version of things.
I sat today in a new room for a service and thought, I like this better. It's not traditional and it's not as ritualistic (in the old ways) but you know what, I like it better. It's lighter, it's intimate and dammit it's accessible. And it could be more accessible in a church that willingly kept the services like this.
But this is not that church.
In many ways, that's not the world we live in. Until they need it of course, then it's something that everyone is on board with.
I am torn, part of me wants to share this new thing I am doing. But then it also means that I am opening it up to the eyes of people who know me and I am not sure that I want to do that.
It's nice to have this one thing that's mine and not related to the church. So maybe for now, it will remain my thing until I know for sure where it's going and what I am doing with it.
Especially given the second I talk about it to church they will try to put rules on it and I am realizing that the only one who will be putting rules on this will be me.
Honestly, part of me would just love to be able to cut my losses and walk, but that decision isn't just mine. But walking doesn't do any good when your life is going to look almost identical anyway.
But moving may have to happen sooner rather than later if the health keeps going the way of it. There's no making the front of my house accessible when the upstairs tenant is a douche canoe. And honestly part of me just wants my privacy back. Now that work is gearing down, unless they suddenly need me, it just doesn't really matter where I live.
I'd almost prefer not to live so close to the one place that is suddenly becoming less and less. No one really wants to have a window that looks into a part of an old life.