A Letter You Will Never Read

There aren't many people, I expect never to say goodbye to. In fact, there have only ever been 2.

One of them was you.

I guess, I didn't really say goodbye in the actual words, but we both know there was no other outcome.

Especially when you didn't even try to deny, my accusations. You just said nothing.

I can't even form words for how much that is fucking hurting me.

The silence.

I thought once I realized what was happening, I would feel relief. But I haven't felt a drop of relief. I'm stuck in this painful place realizing that it's all just over.

I'm stuck wondering had I woken up when you called, what you would have sounded like, what you would have said. Wondering if it would just make this hurt more.

So many questions. No answers and a letter you will never read.

And yet, I still fucking love you.
I can still hear the words babygirl come out of your mouth and I miss every damn syllable.

I don't know if I will ever be able to trust myself anymore. Or anyone new.

I don't know that I want to honestly.

Love Out Loud Or Not At All

I have been pretty quiet for awhile. Quieter than I expected to be given I had this idea to start writing and I generally love the topic. But life has been something weird lately. Or at least feeling weird. Weird enough that I started second guessing a lot of things, and people in my life. Questioning really. And questioning didn't really make anything any clearer. If anything it just showed me there were gapping holes in what I knew and it just set off alarm bells. Sometimes, it's that reminder that you always need to protect yourself and it's only ever going to be you. And so I did. It makes my heart heavy and sad that this is the world we live in. 2025 has been the hardest year to hold on to my faith. Between things happening in the world, in my own church, and now my own life, I find myself asking where God is in all of this? I can already hear the answer people would throw at me. God is who kept you safe. Are we really, ev...

When someone shows you, who they are believe them.

Words to live by. Something I was reminded of today. I got asked for a pretty big favor by the people who hosted the church luncheon today. (Before the service began) one not in my job description. And one I would have been doing out of the goodness of my heart. I said yes. Because of course I did. It's helping the people within my church doing paperwork that needs to be done. ASAP. She doesn't want to take time off work to do it. I walked into the luncheon realizing that there was nothing safe enough for me to eat. So she thought of me when she needed something but not in planning something at the church so that everyone could eat. (now I can see why the few others who have the same food issues also left) So I sat finishing my coffee with a friend and walked out of the church. I think I have pretty much decided that I am done. I will spend the next few weeks getting the stuff done I can't hand off in its current state. Once it...

Faith & Spoons

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