I've been watching my world shrink the last few months. I think, it was always coming to this.
I feel like I was being herded, almost. It feels more like being physically (and painfully) moved into place than being pruned.
I've watched all the things I used to love doing at the church become jobs I did at the church because no one else stepped up, and not because I loved doing it.
Until finally, I didn't have any desire to be there anymore.
But it's not just there.
It's a desire to do more than just keep slugging along. It's a desire to be in a world where people love and live differently. Where people are more than just existing.
It's a desire to be somewhere I am truly happy. Wanted.
That's why I don't fight the shrink when my world gets smaller.
When your world starts shrinking, people who aren't truly invested fade away. Some of those are going to hurt.
But you're going to find out who your real people are.
In that shrink, I've discovered who I can really, rely on. Who I can talk to about anything. But also who would really do anything for me.
And it's not always who you think it is.
I think more often than not it's the people who you don't expect that turn out to be the people who have your back.
In and outside the church.
Do you know who your people are?
Once I started stepping back and the stress started falling away the body finally felt like it could breathe and of course it lead to flair after flair.
So I focused on me and just letting myself relax.
And that is where I am still trying to be.
I have had to step back into some roles at the church. With much stronger boundaries, and distance this time.
But it helps that I know who my people are, and aren't. It prevents me from being sucked in.
But it also means I feel absolutely nothing when I am there.
I am there to get jobs done, that no one else has the skill to do. And while I am glad to do it I know there has to be something more.
But I think it's coming back to the work that the church needs to do. All churches have work they need to do, and while mine has done a LOT of needed work, there is a lot that still needs to be done. And I just don't see it happening.
And it's one of those things that one person can not do, the church has to want to as a whole and the one thing that has been repeated time and time again, is no.
I am not going to beg anyone to do the work. It has to be done because people want more for the church, for themselves, for the people that we serve. And I am realizing that isn't the case here.
I am surprisingly okay with that.
Because I am realizing that while I love the church, I am also out growing the church.
The God I serve expects more from people, and more from faith. And sometimes that means we're called to step back and do more outside the church rather than in it.
So it doesn't really bother me anymore to watch things burn down around me. And things have been burning for awhile.
Relationships.
Communities.
The one constant, regardless of how hard things have been is God. Which feels funny to say.
No matter how frustrated I get, how sad, or how angry, I just know that it's all because we're called to be different. And sadly many are not doing what we're called to do. Living how we are called to live.
Unfortunately that doesn't make living in this world easier for those of us that know. And that's why I get so frustrated and so angry. But I know God can take it.
I know because he keeps putting people in my path who ask questions, who look for him and come to me to help find those answers.
As much as he takes away he also plants seeds, and gives.
Sometimes, he says not yet.
Sometimes he even says no.
Even if it's not what we ask for. What we plead for and what we think we want.
But we continue to answer the call, because it's the only thing we can do. As imperfect as we are he still calls us.
It's so easy to forget when we answer those calls, to forget that just because the call starts somewhere does not mean that will be our final place.
Sometimes, are call starts somewhere and leads elsewhere.
Sometimes the call looks completely different than we expect.
And that can be the biggest challenge.
Getting out of our own way to answer Gods call instead of our own.
I think that is the one thing that I would go back and tell my past self, if I could. To sit back and trust the process. God is going to strip away all the false love in your life, and it's going to hurt. I'd tell myself that my bubble will be non existent. And I am going to feel like a shell of myself for awhile.
But it will also strip away all the time suckers, freeing me up to focus on what really matters, once I get over the sting and the hurt.
Interestingly those things, are my faith, my words, and my family.