Words to live by.
Something I was reminded of today.
I got asked for a pretty big favor by the people who hosted the church luncheon today. (Before the service began) one not in my job description. And one I would have been doing out of the goodness of my heart.
I said yes.
Because of course I did. It's helping the people within my church doing paperwork that needs to be done. ASAP. She doesn't want to take time off work to do it.
I walked into the luncheon realizing that there was nothing safe enough for me to eat.
So she thought of me when she needed something but not in planning something at the church so that everyone could eat. (now I can see why the few others who have the same food issues also left)
So I sat finishing my coffee with a friend and walked out of the church.
I think I have pretty much decided that I am done.
I will spend the next few weeks getting the stuff done I can't hand off in its current state. Once it can be handed off I am probably done.
I will be clearing out all my belongings this week. If I still feel the way I am feeling now, closer to the end of the summer I will be dropping my keys in the mailbox.
When someone shows you who they are believe them. In the last few months many people have shown me who they are and it's up to me now to believe them and to make the choices that are best for me.
I don't think it's the church anymore. I don't know that it's any church. Churches are all the same deep down. The same political crap that shouldn't be that way. Church (and work) should not feel like a kindergarten classroom.
It shouldn't feel like you're one of the few trying to save a sinking ship. One person should not feel like a default solution to everything.
You should never feel forgotten when it matters.
Once is a mistake.
Twice is a choice.
I don't know what that all means going forward.
Other than I am back to living in the margins a bit deeper than I have had to for a few months.
But I would rather be poor and happy, than less poor and miserable.
My schooling is on break for summer in two weeks and I don't know if I will be able to continue. Generally the people in this program do the steps for the diaconate along the way but I am not entirely sure that's my path anymore. So my education will likely go the way of the church.
Where that leaves me is anyone's guess.
But it doesn't feel like I am carrying any weight anymore.
It just feels really damn sad.