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From The Fire Comes

 

I feel like I've some how missed my entire life burning beyond recognition. I saw the fire start, but somewhere along the way, I must have gotten distracted and stopped noticing. Maybe, I didn't care. I was too busy looking at you. 

Needing more the closer you got. Your words are a balm that my soul didn't know it needed. My heart is  suddenly living outside my body once again. Along side you, and I pray that's enough to keep you safe in a world that, can't easy be predicted anymore. 

I find myself looking at the life I am supposed to lead and realizing that, I not only no longer fit in it, I am not even sure I want it. And maybe that's for the best after what has come to light recently. 

Do I want people in my world that complain that my life, isn't up to their standard? Clearly they don't see me or they know I live within my tax bracket. I live within the place that my chronic illness, my income and my life allow and that's the only place that the world allows people like me to be. 

But I'm reminded lately that, that's not enough for some people. 

People ask me why I don't have big dreams? But people like me are not allowed to dream. Something I was reminded of when my life started to burn and then comments started coming. 

When I moved here, people did a song and dance and they got me in a place where I got brave enough to dream, just to start stripping everything away and I realized I had done it again. Started dreaming 

They even let me get far enough to start taking steps towards a new dream and then buried me in it so far down that the dream and part of me died. 

And I think, it burned so close to the core that it took my faith with it. 

I don't know where that leaves me. Except with nothing. Living in a community where everyone and everything I built is tied to something that no longer fits, no longer seems to want or need me. But I can't just pack up and leave because I need to think beyond me. Not that I can afford to leave. 

But part of me wants to. In fact, the only part of me that doesn't want to just give in and go is the part that wants my kid to be happy even when I am not. 

Now I figure out, what now?

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