Skip to main content

Looking Forward



I'm standing at the base of a burned out life, and today I realized it is one that I can never go back to. Not the way it was before.  And I know now that it's not one I have any desire to go back to. 

So instead I stepped forward and took a step that is going to get me what I need and that is something new. A new way in faith with God, Church and Community. It won't look anything like it did before and it likely won't include any of the ministry that it did before likely. But I am okay with that.  

I am going to miss some people but I refuse to sacrifice my well being or my faith for those people. People who love you, would never ask you to. 

The toxic people will fight and have words and I am just going to have to learn to let them shout into the void and keep that boundary even when it means I stop opening doors for them and allowing them space and time. 

I have to love myself enough to give me what they will try to take away. 

I thought once we had cleared out all the safety issues, and the drama that things would go back to feeling how they used to. But that's never happened and I realize now it's because it can't. I have grown but the church has not. 

I want more but the church does not. 
I need more but the church is comfortable as is. 
They refuse to get uncomfortable. Especially if it's to help the community. To help people different than themselves. I don't think half of them have read the damn bible cover to cover. And its obvious none of them recall what we read every week because you go to church long enough you hear the whole thing. 
But you have to check in to hear it.  

So this summer, I continue untangling myself from one parish and get ready to likely step into another.  One where boundaries and community will be the rule not the exception. 



Labels:

Popular posts from this blog

Love Out Loud Or Not At All

I have been pretty quiet for awhile. Quieter than I expected to be given I had this idea to start writing and I generally love the topic.  But life has been something weird lately. Or at least feeling weird.  Weird enough that I started second guessing a lot of things, and people in my life.  Questioning really.  And questioning didn't really make anything any clearer.  If anything it just showed me there were gapping holes in what I knew and it just set off alarm bells.  Sometimes, it's that reminder that you always need to protect yourself and it's only ever going to be you.  And so I did. It makes my heart heavy and sad that this is the world we live in.  2025 has been the hardest year to hold on to my faith.  Between things happening in the world, in my own church, and now my own life, I find myself asking where God is in all of this? I can already hear the answer people would throw at me. God is who kept you safe.  Are we really, ev...
Read more

A Letter You Will Never Read

 There aren't many people, I expect never to say goodbye to. In fact, there have only ever been 2.  One of them was you.  I guess, I didn't really say goodbye in the actual words, but we both know there was no other outcome.  Especially when you didn't even try to deny, my accusations. You just said nothing.  I can't even form words for how much that is fucking hurting me.  The silence.  I thought once I realized what was happening, I would feel relief. But I haven't felt a drop of relief. I'm stuck in this painful place realizing that it's all just over.  I'm stuck wondering had I woken up when you called, what you would have sounded like, what you would have said.  Wondering if it would just make this hurt more.   So many questions. No answers and a letter you will never read.  And yet, I still fucking love you.  I can still hear the words babygirl come out of your mouth and I miss every damn syllable.  I don't know...
Read more

When someone shows you, who they are believe them.

Words to live by.  Something I was reminded of today.  I got asked for a pretty big favor by the people who hosted the church luncheon today. (Before the service began) one not in my job description.  And one I would have been doing out of the goodness of my heart.  I said yes.  Because of course I did. It's helping the people within my church doing paperwork that needs to be done. ASAP. She doesn't want to take time off work to do it.  I walked into the luncheon realizing that there was nothing safe enough for me to eat.  So she thought of me when she needed something but not in planning something at the church so that everyone could eat. (now I can see why the few others who have the same food issues also left)  So I sat finishing my coffee with a friend and walked out of the church.  I think I have pretty much decided that I am done.  I will spend the next few weeks getting the stuff done I can't hand off in its current state. Once it...
Read more