Sometimes, I think we take ourselves too damn seriously.
We take ourselves too seriously and others maybe don't take us seriously enough. Yet they expect us to take them at their word with a great level of seriousness.
Fuck that.
The universe clearly has my back lately because the things hitting me, are hitting differently.
I am in a different headspace today. I don't wanna say I'm angry because I am not. But I think I've hit a space where I just wanna look at everyone who claims to care and say fucking prove it!
No words.
DO SOMETHING.
Real love needs action.
I am sick of words that don't actually have meaning. I am sick of people just getting close to me, saying all the right things, because they want something.
And I know it's not just me.
Sayings like "If he wanted to he would." are very popular right now and there is a reason.
So many of us lay it out there when we love someone, but getting that level back is rare. Especially now..
I have looked at all the people close to me lately and realized none of them put me first. I put everyone first. But never get it back.
When I need someone there is no one to reach out to at any hour and always get an answer. It's either, left on read, or left unread because they've swiped the notification or turned notifications off for me.
It's obvious really quickly, because we're all always glued to our phones, even when we're busy it's not too, too long before we are checking. And when someone matters most of us change their specific notification so we know who when it's them.
I am the only one that is always reachable.
And god it stings.
Knowing that the reality is, I don't matter. Not really.
I matter when it's convenient. I matter when the person you really want to spend time with is busy or otherwise unavailable.
And I wonder how much of that is because of the chronic illness, and the disability?
It's no secret that a lot of people don't see disabled people as having value. It used to be something that wasn't said out loud but we suddenly live in a world where now even that (and other things just as bad and worse) is said out loud unapologetically. And very few people seem to mind.
I've decided to stop reaching out to see who reaches in. But I already know, sooner rather than later there will be no one left. I've seen the change. I've felt the time in between get longer to the point where it's days before anyone contacts me.
And I realize now this is why I've also been thinking that it's important more than ever to really settle in and get into my hobbies and things that I love because I am going to need it.
It will be what saves me from what's coming.
I've been going through a pruning the last few months. Then summer hit and things paused. Then it was the feeling like it was really important to figure out who I was, what I wanted and what mattered to me.
And thinking about my hobbies and activities that I love or wanted to try.
Which admittedly, I don't do nearly enough. I tend to always put me on the back burner.
This is the universe changing me so that doesn't happen because I am the only one that's there for me. I am the only one that's got the time for me.
The universe giving me what I need to save myself, because I am going to need it soon.
When suddenly there is no one left.
And there will be no one left. Because I've begun stepping back from things, putting me first. Saying no to things that drain me. To putting my health first.
In and out of the church.
And when you stop being useful to those kinds of people, they move on to those who are more useful.
And that's not a bad thing. I don't want people who don't really want to be here.
But damn if it doesn't hurt knowing how little you matter to the people you've invested so deeply into.