Faith & Spoons

Disclaimer: Lots of F Bombs today. You've been warned.  Sometimes, I think we take ourselves too damn seriously.   We take ourselves too seriously and others maybe don't take us seriously enough.  Yet they expect us to take them at their word with a great level of seriousness.  Fuck that.  The universe clearly has my back lately because the things hitting me, are hitting differently.  I am in a different headspace today.  I don't wanna say I'm angry because I am not. But I think I've hit a space where I just wanna look at everyone who claims to care and say fucking prove it!  No words.  DO SOMETHING.  Real love needs action.  I am sick of words that don't actually have meaning.  I am sick of people just getting close to me, saying all the right things, because they want something.  And I know it's not just me.  Sayings like " If he wanted to he would. " are very popular right now and there is a reason.  So m...

 There aren't many people, I expect never to say goodbye to. In fact, there have only ever been 2.  One of them was you.  I guess, I didn't really say goodbye in the actual words, but we both know there was no other outcome.  Especially when you didn't even try to deny, my accusations. You just said nothing.  I can't even form words for how much that is fucking hurting me.  The silence.  I thought once I realized what was happening, I would feel relief. But I haven't felt a drop of relief. I'm stuck in this painful place realizing that it's all just over.  I'm stuck wondering had I woken up when you called, what you would have sounded like, what you would have said.  Wondering if it would just make this hurt more.   So many questions. No answers and a letter you will never read.  And yet, I still fucking love you.  I can still hear the words babygirl come out of your mouth and I miss every damn syllable.  I don't know...

  I've been watching my world shrink the last few months. I think, it was always coming to this.   I feel like I was being herded, almost.  It feels more like being physically (and painfully) moved into place than being pruned.  I've watched all the things I used to love doing at the church become jobs I did at the church because no one else stepped up, and not because I loved doing it. Until finally, I didn't have any desire to be there anymore.  But it's not just there.  It's a desire to do more than just keep slugging along.  It's a desire to be in a world where people love and live differently.  Where people are more than just existing.  It's a desire to be somewhere I am truly happy.  Wanted. That's why I don't fight the shrink when my world gets smaller.   When your world starts shrinking, people who aren't truly invested fade away.  Some of those are going to hurt.  But you're going to find out who your re...

I have been pretty quiet for awhile. Quieter than I expected to be given I had this idea to start writing and I generally love the topic.  But life has been something weird lately. Or at least feeling weird.  Weird enough that I started second guessing a lot of things, and people in my life.  Questioning really.  And questioning didn't really make anything any clearer.  If anything it just showed me there were gapping holes in what I knew and it just set off alarm bells.  Sometimes, it's that reminder that you always need to protect yourself and it's only ever going to be you.  And so I did. It makes my heart heavy and sad that this is the world we live in.  2025 has been the hardest year to hold on to my faith.  Between things happening in the world, in my own church, and now my own life, I find myself asking where God is in all of this? I can already hear the answer people would throw at me. God is who kept you safe.  Are we really, ev...