I was at the church recently doing a task that was given to me, because I am the only one with the skills needed. And I was smacked in the face by an epiphany that I can not believe I did not have sooner. There was a job that they were eying me for until the minister (who has since exited) started spewing his mouth.
About how I couldn't handle this job. And then when I started talking about being a deacon he said I could not do both.
But the able bodied person in that slot, is now doing both. (with multiple churches under their belt) and I am being called upon to assist so they can have a day off to manage the work load.
But they're not being forced to abide by the same decision forced on me.
Double standard, much? Sure they were in that position before they took this journey but it still feels like a double standard.
I was in a better position then they are now to do said job, not needing anyone else to assist because I would not have multiple churches, and not be waiting for the next ordination step to priest.
No hate on this person. I love them dearly. But I am so frustrated that my journey has been interfered with and essentially no longer supported once people realized I was not going to be like the deacon they currently know and love.
Why they expected me to be the same I couldn't tell you.
The physically disability, and lack of a drivers license should have been the first clue that things would be very different.
But once I started talking about ministry and where I wanted to go with tech. I suddenly felt very unsupported.
Find another church, a younger church, a different denomination, I was told I could jump ship, comments about how they are happily living in the past. All responses to where I wanted to go with tech. And of course there was silence.
The message feels very clear. Disabled people are welcome when we follow others expectations of what they want for us, but when we have the nerve to want things for ourselves, it very quickly means we're essentially pushed out.
I am pretty sure, I would have been completely walked out already if it weren't for the fact that I am the only one with the skills needed for certain tasks. And they don't want to go back to having no one for those things.
They tolerate me when I have a use, but they're also containing me within a box they feel I should stay within. Despite the fact, I feel called for more.
Why is it always the people called to love you that are also always the ones to break your heart?