Faith & Spoons

 What does inclusion, really mean in the church? Most people, think of ramps, accessible bathrooms, and automatic doors.  While that is obviously a very important, essential part, a lot of places, tend to do some, or even all of those things and stop thinking they have done the work, and that's all they need to do.  But in terms of real inclusion, those things, are the bare minimum. Those are the things that legally have to be done. (at least where I live)  If you don't have an accessible sanctuary where people and mobility devices, aren't crammed in spaces people don't usually sit, you're not accessible. If you don't have accessible hymnals, and service books or bulletins then you're not accessible.  If you don't have a way to include disabled people, in programs AND in running programs in your church then you are not accessible.  You're also unable to claim inclusion.  In fact, I would go as far to say if you don't have a way to include disable...

 I was at the church recently doing a task that was given to me, because I am the only one with the skills needed. And I was smacked in the face by an epiphany that I can not believe I did not have sooner. There was a job that they were eying me for until the minister (who has since exited)  started spewing his mouth.  About how I couldn't handle this job. And then when I started talking about being a deacon he said I could not do both.  But the able bodied person in that slot, is now doing both. (with multiple churches under their belt) and I am being called upon to assist so they can have a day off to manage the work load.   But they're not being forced to abide by the same decision forced on me.  Double standard, much? Sure they were in that position before they took this journey but it still feels like a double standard.  I was in a better position then they are now to do said job, not needing anyone else to assist because I would not have mul...

I forgot how much I loved my coffee and reflection times. Things got so busy that was just one more thing I didn't make time for.   Until recently.  Life is changing once again and it looks like I am going to have a lot more time for them.  And I am realizing just how good that is, even if it means that things are going to get more stressful. We live in a world, where people show us, how much they value us, whether we are always consciously aware of it or not.  Individuals, corporations, no one is immune, and no one can hide it.  I was reminded of that very recently.  By my church no less.  I was useful when I served in a way that suited what the church wanted, and now that I am comfortable and ready to step into my own I have heard things like maybe I should find a younger church, a different denomination, or another church more in line with my ministry. A church not happily stuck in the past.  After everything, in the last year, and there h...

Disclaimer: Lots of F Bombs today. You've been warned.  Sometimes, I think we take ourselves too damn seriously.   We take ourselves too seriously and others maybe don't take us seriously enough.  Yet they expect us to take them at their word with a great level of seriousness.  Fuck that.  The universe clearly has my back lately because the things hitting me, are hitting differently.  I am in a different headspace today.  I don't wanna say I'm angry because I am not. But I think I've hit a space where I just wanna look at everyone who claims to care and say fucking prove it!  No words.  DO SOMETHING.  Real love needs action.  I am sick of words that don't actually have meaning.  I am sick of people just getting close to me, saying all the right things, because they want something.  And I know it's not just me.  Sayings like " If he wanted to he would. " are very popular right now and there is a reason.  So m...

 There aren't many people, I expect never to say goodbye to. In fact, there have only ever been 2.  One of them was you.  I guess, I didn't really say goodbye in the actual words, but we both know there was no other outcome.  Especially when you didn't even try to deny, my accusations. You just said nothing.  I can't even form words for how much that is fucking hurting me.  The silence.  I thought once I realized what was happening, I would feel relief. But I haven't felt a drop of relief. I'm stuck in this painful place realizing that it's all just over.  I'm stuck wondering had I woken up when you called, what you would have sounded like, what you would have said.  Wondering if it would just make this hurt more.   So many questions. No answers and a letter you will never read.  And yet, I still fucking love you.  I can still hear the words babygirl come out of your mouth and I miss every damn syllable.  I don't know...

  I've been watching my world shrink the last few months. I think, it was always coming to this.   I feel like I was being herded, almost.  It feels more like being physically (and painfully) moved into place than being pruned.  I've watched all the things I used to love doing at the church become jobs I did at the church because no one else stepped up, and not because I loved doing it. Until finally, I didn't have any desire to be there anymore.  But it's not just there.  It's a desire to do more than just keep slugging along.  It's a desire to be in a world where people love and live differently.  Where people are more than just existing.  It's a desire to be somewhere I am truly happy.  Wanted. That's why I don't fight the shrink when my world gets smaller.   When your world starts shrinking, people who aren't truly invested fade away.  Some of those are going to hurt.  But you're going to find out who your re...

I have been pretty quiet for awhile. Quieter than I expected to be given I had this idea to start writing and I generally love the topic.  But life has been something weird lately. Or at least feeling weird.  Weird enough that I started second guessing a lot of things, and people in my life.  Questioning really.  And questioning didn't really make anything any clearer.  If anything it just showed me there were gapping holes in what I knew and it just set off alarm bells.  Sometimes, it's that reminder that you always need to protect yourself and it's only ever going to be you.  And so I did. It makes my heart heavy and sad that this is the world we live in.  2025 has been the hardest year to hold on to my faith.  Between things happening in the world, in my own church, and now my own life, I find myself asking where God is in all of this? I can already hear the answer people would throw at me. God is who kept you safe.  Are we really, ev...

I've always lived faith differently than most people. When you spend your life with a good part of the world inaccessible you have no other choice. You do what you do. God finds you in other places. Something I was reminded of recently but I didn't really think there was more to it than that.  Until the body started freaking out and I landed back in bed while it worked itself out. And in that moment, I realized the goal I had been working toward was going to be an impossible goal. At least the way the church typically accepted that role.  And what the hell do I do with that? In a church where anything that isn't tradition, tends to sink.  The church hates change. Yet change is the only constant thing in life.  This is just one more sign of things coming to an end for me in this current version of things.  I sat today in a new room for a service and thought, I like this better. It's not traditional and it's not as ritualistic (in the old ways) but you know what, ...

I'm standing at the base of a burned out life, and today I realized it is one that I can never go back to. Not the way it was before.  And I know now that it's not one I have any desire to go back to.  So instead I stepped forward and took a step that is going to get me what I need and that is something new. A new way in faith with God, Church and Community. It won't look anything like it did before and it likely won't include any of the ministry that it did before likely. But I am okay with that.   I am going to miss some people but I refuse to sacrifice my well being or my faith for those people. People who love you, would never ask you to.  The toxic people will fight and have words and I am just going to have to learn to let them shout into the void and keep that boundary even when it means I stop opening doors for them and allowing them space and time.  I have to love myself enough to give me what they will try to take away.  I thought once we had...

  I feel like I've some how missed my entire life burning beyond recognition. I saw the fire start, but somewhere along the way, I must have gotten distracted and stopped noticing. Maybe, I didn't care. I was too busy looking at you.  Needing more the closer you got. Your words are a balm that my soul didn't know it needed. My heart is  suddenly living outside my body once again. Along side you, and I pray that's enough to keep you safe in a world that, can't easy be predicted anymore.  I find myself looking at the life I am supposed to lead and realizing that, I not only no longer fit in it, I am not even sure I want it. And maybe that's for the best after what has come to light recently.  Do I want people in my world that complain that my life, isn't up to their standard? Clearly they don't see me or they know I live within my tax bracket. I live within the place that my chronic illness, my income and my life allow and that's the only place that th...

Words to live by.  Something I was reminded of today.  I got asked for a pretty big favor by the people who hosted the church luncheon today. (Before the service began) one not in my job description.  And one I would have been doing out of the goodness of my heart.  I said yes.  Because of course I did. It's helping the people within my church doing paperwork that needs to be done. ASAP. She doesn't want to take time off work to do it.  I walked into the luncheon realizing that there was nothing safe enough for me to eat.  So she thought of me when she needed something but not in planning something at the church so that everyone could eat. (now I can see why the few others who have the same food issues also left)  So I sat finishing my coffee with a friend and walked out of the church.  I think I have pretty much decided that I am done.  I will spend the next few weeks getting the stuff done I can't hand off in its current state. Once it...

I went into this reflection paper with a very different plan than what actually transpired. As usual God’s plan is better than anything I could have come up with.  It’s only been the last 5-6 years that I’ve been back in civilization as I only half jokingly like to call it. Before then I lived in a tiny town in Ontario that no one had ever heard of. Our yard was very much like the nature preserve where I ended up walking with a friend.  Walking the preserve and being among all the huge trees I was reminded of what I had relearned in my past home. The forest is my center. It’s where I can take a full breath, slow down and stop.  But there are few spaces that are easily accessed by everyone.  If you don’t drive and/or have mobility issues  then being able to just go on a whim to a green space like this is impossible.  Our green spaces feel like they’re almost for the select few or the approved crowd as they’re never easily accessed, traveled to by foot as the...